Ways to Enrage a Greek God
by D'n'A000
Summary: These are lists of sure fire ways to anger the gods. Read at your own risk. On Indefinate Hiatus...Sorry
1. Hermes

**Warning: I D of D'n'A000 am not responsible for any one who is maimed , driven mad, struck by the master bolt, drowned, thrown in Tartarus, turned into a jackalope, robbed, blinded by the sun, has their love life ruined, is destroyed by an undefeatable master plan, burned in a forge or turned into a daffodil. Read this at your own risk and pray the gods have pity on your soul.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series Rick Riordan does =(. Though it would be AWESOME if I did.**

**D: This is gonna rock**

**A: You shouldn't do this they'll be mad**

**D: That's the point**

**A: I still say-**

**D: (posts list) -Too late**

**A: Okay then it's your funeral (leaves)**

Hermes

**1**. Say the words "May Castellan is PSYCHO" to his face( Bonus points if you add " –and it's all your fault!")

**2.** Tell him that the postal service is lame

**3.** Call him a "Messenger Boy"

**4.** Mention that any guy whose symbol is two snakes intertwining a big stick must be over compensating for something

**5.** Steal _HIS _wallet and see how he likes it

**6.** Give George a rat and explain how not feeding him is a form of animal cruelty

**7.** Steal and then sell his flying shoes on E-bay

**8.** State that his son was his grandfather. When he denies this point out that Luke, his son, was possessed by and therefore became his grandfather Kronos. Which is quite weird.

**9.** Explain how watching your kid get mauled by a dragon is the definition of bad parenting. When he states the rule that the gods can't intervene on a quest yell, "Since when did the god of thieves start obeying the law". (Bonus points if you are a Hermes kid cause that would take guts)

**10.** Tell him you have a very important message from Zeus that must be delivered right away. When he asks for the message explain in careful and exquisite detail why it is so important and when he gets annoyed and demands you give him the message state some obvious fact like "The sky is blue" or "The sun is bright". (Bonus points if you tell him I forgot and then tell him to come back when you remember)

**Until next time this is D of D'n'A000 signing off. **

**Hermes: (Pulls out laser cattle prod thing) Okay, you asked for this!**

**D: (Logs off computer) Uh-oh…. Later Hermes gotta…um…walk my dog **

**D: (Throws smoke bomb and sneaks out back door)**

**Hermes: *Cough* *Cough* Get back here! *Cough***

***5 minutes later at a coffee shop***

**Coffee shop guy: That'll be $4.50 sir**

**Hermes: *Grumbles* Huh, oh yeah **

**Hermes:(Reaches into empty pocket) No way….he didn't.**

**Hermes: (Checks pockets frantically) Curse Him he stole my wallet!**

***Some undisclosed location* **

**D: (holds up Hermes's Wallet triumphantly) Mwhahaha!**

**!Reviews are welcome and appreciated!**


	2. Hera

**D: Hello fans first off let me apologize for not updating sooner but the muses refused to inspire me. Curse them I say curse them. However, I managed to become inspired once again and will try to update sooner. Thank you for both your patience and support!**

**Disclaimer: Still don't own PJATO….Curses**

***random internet café***

**D: Well, Hermes seems to have calmed down so I can finally post again *sigh***

**D: Without further delay I present to you the next installment of Ways to Enrage a Greek god**

Hera

**1.** Express your wonder at the fact that she hasn't faded yet due to the substantial decrease in "traditional" families. When she denies these facts simply roll your eyes and say, "Sure whatever helps you sleep at night"

**2.** State that the two time Zeus even bothered were when he was very frustrated and very hung over. Cite Ares and Hephaestus respectively when she denies your truthful accusations

**3.** Explain why she should also be considered the goddess of gold diggers due to the fact that she married Zeus simply just to become queen of the gods (Bonus points if you point out how creepy, gross and over all disgusting it is that she married her brother)

**4.** State that Aphrodite (Love) is the reason most relationships succeed while she (Marriage) is the reason most fail

**5.** Mention how cold and heartless someone has to be to throw their own son of a mountain (Bonus points if you also mention how hypocritical that someone would have to be to call themselves the goddess of family after the fact)

**6.** State how laughable it is that the so called goddess of marriage is constantly getting cheated on (Bonus points if you say that she should confront Zeus directly about this and stop blaming the other women and their children)(Extra Bonus points if you cite the certain infidelities that involved her sisters and/or friends)

**7.** Explain how the excuse "I did it for the good of the family" is not a good excuse for such things as trying to kill members of the family you dislike such as your husbands illegitimate children

**8.** Steal her wedding ring and convince Zeus that she was unfaithful. Proceed to laugh hysterically at the soap opera antics that will ensue (Note: If you wish to get yourself or someone else killed state that you/they are either A: the one whom she committed the infidelity with or B: the result of said infidelity) (Bonus points and prayers if you actually manage to get her to break her vows or can prove you are the result of her vow breaking)

**9.** Use her otherwise useless cabin at Camp Half-Blood as your personal spray painting canvas. When she starts yelling at you for defiling her cabin explain that since no one was using it you thought no one would really give a damn. (Bonus points if you continue using it after she told you to stop)

**10.** Question her as to why she only cursed Annabeth at the end of BOTL and not Percy. Especially since Percy was the one who got most of the help and insulted her just as much. When she can't come up with a decent answer say, "Its cause you're scared of Poseidon isn't it" then laugh at her total spinelessness

**Until next time this is D of D'n'A000 signing off**

***Logs off computer***

**D: Yes it's done! It's finally done! Take that Hera! Mwhahahaha!**

**Hera: What is this outrage you shall pay with your life you mortal filth!**

**D: Actually, funny thing is I'm not a mortal I'm a demi-god *shifts nervously* hehe **

**Hera: Than whose the pathetic excuse of a god that sired you**

**D: Oh my dad's Hades**

**Hera: Ah Hades what a pathetic slimy little…WAIT YOUR SERIOUS**

**D: yeah I'm his son alright and proud of it**

**Hera: *Shifts quite nervously* oh well sorry about that it's just some of the stuff you said was quite rude**

**D: Wow well since you're in such a forgiving mood I'm sure you wouldn't mind that I spray painted your cabin riiiight *looks up hopefully***

**Hera: YOU. DID. WHAT. You horribly evil little cretin I WILL MURDER YOU *glares with intense hate***

**D: Thought so….*Throws smoke bomb and shadow travels away***

**Hera: *Cough* Curse you! *Cough* [insert various ancient and modern profanities here] *Cough***

***Undisclosed location***

**D: I should probably avoid cows from now on**

**Cow: Moooo *glares hatefully* Mooooo!**

**D: *Turns around* I just had to land in the field of a dairy farm didn't I?**

***Various cows notice new presence and glare hatefully***

**D: *Running for life* Craaaap!**

_**Note: Next God/goddess will be decided by you the fans so send a review or PM with your choice. I thank you in advance and look forward to your input**_

_**Note 2: My sis A has this awesome vampire story called Bite Me on fan fiction. I've read it and it's totally kick ass (This is coming from a guy that utterly despises the Twilight books so that's saying something).I encourage you to take a look at it and drop a review. Also, the next chapter of HSG is coming soon so please be patient**_

**Special thanks to **_**Shimmering Huntress**_** for inspiring me to create this list. It was challenging but, quite fun. Thanks again, YOU ROCK!**

** Sincerely,**

** D of D'n'A000**


	3. Ares

**D: Hey there I know it's been forever since I last updated but I lost track of time somewhere between running to Burger King to avoid an army of seriously mad cows and monitoring the votes you sent in. Major thanks to all who voted and I am pleased to announce that my most recent count sees Ares as the lucky winner with Zeus coming in at a close second. So without further ado I will present the Ares list**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Rick Riordan's book rights…Damn…Don't own God of War, Kratos, 300 or Saving Private Ryan either…Double Damn**

**D: Well Hera seems to have calmed down, so I guess I can post this at last**

**ARES**

**1.** Call him the most feminine and cuddly names something along the lines of "Sir Cuddlebunnie Marshmallow McFluffington" should really set him off (Be creative)

**2.** Laugh at the fact that the so called God of War was utterly outsmarted and pwned by a twelve year old kid. When he says that said preteen was a powerful son of Poseidon shrug and say "details, details". (Bonus points if you drone on the facts that Percy wasn't even that experienced or invulnerable like he is now. More points if you also add that Ares couldn't last 2 minutes in a fight with Percy now because the bone head will actually try it and get his ass kicked in less than 2 minutes)

**3. **Show him the God of War video games and watch as he nearly shrieks when his game self gets eviscerated by Kratos

**4**. Lock him in a mirrored room and watch as he goes crazy trying to fight his reflections.

**5**. Tell him that Aphrodite finally got some taste and stopped seeing him in favor of Adonis and watch as he runs home crying to Hera (Bonus points if you call him a Mama's Boy)

**6**. Explain to his tiny pea brain that a parent is supposed to nurture their children not bully and abuse them.

**7**. Take him to therapy to sort out his anger and inadequacy issues

**8.** When he tries to intimidate you by showing you images of war and combat chuckle and say," Look I appreciate this but I've already seen 300 and Saving Private Ryan I don't need to see them again. ".Then walk away leaving him slack jawed.

**9.** Call him Pig Head when he gets mad state that he's the one who chose a boar's head as his symbol not you.

**10. **Fight him in single combat and win. He hates that.

**Until next time this is D of D'n'A000 signing off**

*** Logs off computer ***

**D: (sigh) well as the say another one bites the dust**

**Ares: (reads list) This is an outrage I will destroy the pathetic vermin known as D of D'n'A000 (teleports to where D is)**

**Ares: (yells) D, son of Hades, author of the list. Come and face me**

**D: (sighs) okay *unsheathes Stygian iron sword* let's go**

**Ares: Okay runt you asked for it *draws sword and charges straight forward***

**D: *sidesteps* Wow that was your oh so great tactic I'm quite disappointed Ares *shadow travels***

**Ares: (confused) huh? (Yells) *looks around * Hey punk where'd you go! **

**D: *appears from inside Ares shadow* Right behind you! *slashes at Ares and carves a deep wound in the war god's side* **

**Ares: *falls to his knees in agony* [insert painful screams and awful curses]**

**D: *levels sword at Ares throat * I win**

**Ares: Dammit, Just wait until Hera hears about this. *teleports away* **

**D: (yells) Yeah you better run Mama's Boy!**

***Empousai hearing battle and smelling demigod appear on scene***

**Lead Empousa: There he is devour him! **

**D: *turns around and spots the rushing Empousai * Shiiiit! * shadow travels away***

**: (confused) Where he go?**

**D: *appears behind monsters * Right here *charges at monsters furiously taking down two in one strike***

***battle continues until only D and the leader are left * **

**: (shouts) Diiiiie! *raises sword to strike***

**D: Nah how bout you *stabs Empousa in the heart and it disappears into dust***

**D: (exhausted) whew what a day *shadow travels to empty hotel room and crashes on bed***

_Well there you have it thanks again to all who voted next is Zeus and I guarantee it'll be shocking! Ha-ha, yeah I know bad pun but couldn't resist. Any who that'll probably be up around mid to late January so be patient please and check out some of A's other stories their good but don't have a lot of reviews. Oh and before I forget Happy Chrismahanakwanzikah everybody! You Rock!_

_Sincerely,_

_D of D'n'A000_


	4. Zeus

**D: Okay… first off I would like to formally apologize for not updating in over a year, there was no reason why I couldn't have been working on this and honestly this fic should have been done ages ago. I have no one but myself to blame and I'll try to be a better author so sorry guys. Now I'm going to try and get this fic finished by the end of January, hopefully that'll clear my conscience. So hear we go the long awaited Zeus chapter.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Riordan's book rights… have lawyer look into that…yeah**

**D: Well it's been over a year Ares should have cooled off by now.**

**D: Anyway enough about the hot head lets focus on today's target the big mean spark plug in the sky.**

**ZEUS**

Walk up to him and loudly proclaim you're another of his illegitimate children and then say, "Hi, Hera what's up". Laugh as he cringes and runs away (Bonus points if your actually his kid)

Go on and on about the exploits of Percy and then ask, "So… yeah what have your kids done lately?"

Replace the master bolt with a foam cut out that says "Supreme Shocking Stick of Infinite Pain". When he asks for the real one back say, "But that is the real one isn't it?" in your most innocent voice and laugh when he gets frustrated that he can't zap you.

Ask him for money. When he asks why say, "Oh… so you aren't the god of investment bankers, I just thought with that suit and all…" repeat until he gets frustrated. ( Bonus points if he actually gives you money)

Ask how come he had to trick Kronos to beat him, when a sixteen year old could best him in combat.

Stress that he's the youngest brother of the elder gods. When he throws a fit call him a Drama queen and walk away.

Ask him why he closed off Olympus. When he goes on about the multiple plots to over throw him, blanch and scream, "Paranoid much"

Two words. Marriage. Counseling.

Flirt with Hera and when he gets angry at you calmly say, "Well since you don't do it someone has to."

Mention that turning your daughter into a tree to "protect" her was probably not the best idea.

**Until next time this is D of D'n'A000 signing off**

***logs off computer***

**D: (hmm) that felt good.**

**D: Ol' Thunder Butt should be here in about…3…2..**

***Zeus teleports in with an enraged look on his face***

**Zeus: Look here you despicable mortal I oughta…**

**D: Hey can I have five hundred bucks?**

**Zeus: …And another vulture will eat your entrails…**

**D: Hey! Dad's Baby Bro can I have five hundred bucks!**

**Zeus: …Huh oh sure *Hands over money*… Where was I oh yeah and then lightning will shoot out your…**

**D: *Counts money* Sweet! Thanks *Shadow travels away***

**Zeus: …For the rest of eternity. Huh? Where'd he go well whatever I'll just blast him with the Supreme Shocking Stick of Infinite Pain…Wait where's my master bolt Curse you, D!**

***Undisclosed location* **

**D: Hmm… Wonder why my ears are ringing maybe it's this new master bolt I stol…ahem acquired… ah well wonder how much this baby's worth.**

Here's chapter 4. Again to all my reviewers, fans, and others who have enjoyed reading these I'm sorry. Next chapter will be Apollo and I'll try my best to stick it to the sun god.

Sincerely,

D of D'n'A000


	5. Friendly Little Author's Note

Friendly Little Author's Note

Hello. First, I will apologize for not making any updates on this story in over a year. Sadly, I've pretty much lost all interest in this story. However, I will not be taking it down it will simply be on a near indefinite hiatus. Also, a side note to my naysayers You Know Who You Are…I REFUSE TO BE INTIMIDATED! So if you and your insecurities want this story off the site go for it wait for the admins to do it, I will not be fear mongered into taking down my work. Finally, to those who reviewed and those who simply enjoyed a good laugh I sincerely thank you, seriously you guys are awesome and I will try to find the amount of time and inspiration needed to actually write a big story for once, but that will be awhile. However, be aware I'm not gone I'm just enjoying reading all the great stories the site has to offer. So once more for those that deserve it THANK YOU!

-D from D'n'A000


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